Saturday, March 10, 2007
What doesn't kill you...
Two minutes after signing off on my last post, and closing down here, my world fell apart. I have spent the last 15 hours or so (bar maybe 2 hours that I managed to sleep) questioning everything I thought I knew about us (particularly stuff I'd only recently written about us - if I could have ripped up a blog post, I would have..) and alternately crying, raging, saying the bitchiest things I could think of, feeling numb, rocking back and forth, and wishing I could just have a nervous breakdown and be done with it. (Unfortunately the daily realities of kid stuff have kept intruding - why does it never ever cease?) I am not prepared to give more detail- but I have to say something here, because I've expounded so much on 'the glue that binds us together' that we sound like we have the perfect marriage or something. We do not.
He's made the biggest cock up* of his life (though in terms of the type of cock up, it could have been worse.) Can I forgive? I'm not sure. Do I want to forgive? Oh god, yes I do, because we have so, so much that is good. And the part that isn't so good... that's been a vicious cycle of various things on both our parts (since before we were married even) that has led to it being not so good. Including really really really bad communication. And if it takes a catastrophe to sort things out and change things for the better, then maybe that is fate.
[* his description]
A couple of hours ago I didn't know how I was going to make it through the day - let alone the week - and let alone the Big Ride. The only way I know I will get through all the challenges that will throw at us is if our bond is strong - and not if I am telling him to f### off telling me about f###ing willpower.
I started talking marriage counselling.. but we have since managed to talk (and cry) and talk (and cry) and talk ... and talk... about stuff we haven't talked about in so many years. And I gave him a choice. If he wants "us" to continue, he has to leave that job. Take stress leave, sick leave, annual leave... I don't care what. In August he is due 3 months long service leave. And leave the job. If he goes back to KL again, our marriage is over. He agreed, and it was like a huge wave of relief swept over him at the thought that he could leave it. I don't know what he will do; I don't know what I will do... he won't have a chance in hell of earning the same amount of money (to which we have become accustomed) but if I have to work as a checkout chick to supplement things, then I will. (Something more stimulating though would be nice.) He has suggested that he will try to swing a 9-5 office job there (at reduced pay) till August. It would be really stupid to get this close to the long service leave and then lose it. But what price your 'world' - your 18 year marriage?
He finally told me that I've been right all along about how it would have been insane for me to have had a job with his working hours and time away. Said he had realised some time ago and not 'hassled' me for ages. But you never told me! I said. And, till today, he has never really told me that he thinks I have done a f***ing brilliant job almost singlehandedly bringing up our girls, who have turned out pretty awesome. He never really told me that before.
So perhaps I will spend less time on here. And he will spend more time doing the sort of stuff he is doing right now - taking Middle Daughter to buy her new netball shoes. (I am calling that one penance.) And we will spend more time communicating. And praise be to [the deity of your choice] that we can get through this and be stronger for it.
He's made the biggest cock up* of his life (though in terms of the type of cock up, it could have been worse.) Can I forgive? I'm not sure. Do I want to forgive? Oh god, yes I do, because we have so, so much that is good. And the part that isn't so good... that's been a vicious cycle of various things on both our parts (since before we were married even) that has led to it being not so good. Including really really really bad communication. And if it takes a catastrophe to sort things out and change things for the better, then maybe that is fate.
[* his description]
A couple of hours ago I didn't know how I was going to make it through the day - let alone the week - and let alone the Big Ride. The only way I know I will get through all the challenges that will throw at us is if our bond is strong - and not if I am telling him to f### off telling me about f###ing willpower.
I started talking marriage counselling.. but we have since managed to talk (and cry) and talk (and cry) and talk ... and talk... about stuff we haven't talked about in so many years. And I gave him a choice. If he wants "us" to continue, he has to leave that job. Take stress leave, sick leave, annual leave... I don't care what. In August he is due 3 months long service leave. And leave the job. If he goes back to KL again, our marriage is over. He agreed, and it was like a huge wave of relief swept over him at the thought that he could leave it. I don't know what he will do; I don't know what I will do... he won't have a chance in hell of earning the same amount of money (to which we have become accustomed) but if I have to work as a checkout chick to supplement things, then I will. (Something more stimulating though would be nice.) He has suggested that he will try to swing a 9-5 office job there (at reduced pay) till August. It would be really stupid to get this close to the long service leave and then lose it. But what price your 'world' - your 18 year marriage?
He finally told me that I've been right all along about how it would have been insane for me to have had a job with his working hours and time away. Said he had realised some time ago and not 'hassled' me for ages. But you never told me! I said. And, till today, he has never really told me that he thinks I have done a f***ing brilliant job almost singlehandedly bringing up our girls, who have turned out pretty awesome. He never really told me that before.
So perhaps I will spend less time on here. And he will spend more time doing the sort of stuff he is doing right now - taking Middle Daughter to buy her new netball shoes. (I am calling that one penance.) And we will spend more time communicating. And praise be to [the deity of your choice] that we can get through this and be stronger for it.
Labels: introspection
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Oh Tracey!
I had tears in my eyes reading your post. Can I offer you my support and very best wishes?
Your kind words have helped me in the past, I would be more than happy to pass on my private contact details to you if I can be of any help.
Let me know Shish x
I had tears in my eyes reading your post. Can I offer you my support and very best wishes?
Your kind words have helped me in the past, I would be more than happy to pass on my private contact details to you if I can be of any help.
Let me know Shish x
I am so unbelievably sorry, Tracey. And at the same time amazed and humbled by how quickly you're seeing the positive side of things...the way this can make you stronger if you communicate, etc...
Why does growth have to hurt so damn much.
Ditto to Shishyboo's comment. You don't really know me, but maybe that'd make it better. Silly even to offer, I guess, but that's the automatic reaction to seeing someone hurting, I guess. That feeling of helplessness and so badly wanting to help. Seriously, e-mail anytime.
And in the meantime, some crazy Canadian chick will be praying for you. ~hugs~
Why does growth have to hurt so damn much.
Ditto to Shishyboo's comment. You don't really know me, but maybe that'd make it better. Silly even to offer, I guess, but that's the automatic reaction to seeing someone hurting, I guess. That feeling of helplessness and so badly wanting to help. Seriously, e-mail anytime.
And in the meantime, some crazy Canadian chick will be praying for you. ~hugs~
Dear Tracey
Big cyber space hug!!!!
Positive thoughts across the ether to the five of you. I'll certainly have your in my prayers.
Talking is good... but after a while actions speak louder than words. How hackneyed that sounds, but it's true, particularly for a highly active family like yours.
Much love
Libby
Big cyber space hug!!!!
Positive thoughts across the ether to the five of you. I'll certainly have your in my prayers.
Talking is good... but after a while actions speak louder than words. How hackneyed that sounds, but it's true, particularly for a highly active family like yours.
Much love
Libby
Geez Tracey.... My stomach cramped in anxiety reading about your pain.
((((hugs to you, mate))))
Strength and love across the cyber divide.
((((hugs to you, mate))))
Strength and love across the cyber divide.
Since you want to make it through all this, you will.
I'm sorry you're going through the hardships, and all the pain. It will work out, and even if your income is reduced, you know what's important and that it's not the money.
Through it all, you have each other.
I'm sorry you're going through the hardships, and all the pain. It will work out, and even if your income is reduced, you know what's important and that it's not the money.
Through it all, you have each other.
Love you to bits T. Consider yourself wrapped in a great big hug and allow yourself to cry on my shoulder.
You will sort this out. You will come through it no matter how hard and painful it will seem at times.
There is more inside you than you appreciate but we know its there.
Scream to the skies when necessary. No good ever came of holding it in. Everyone is allowed to fall apart and just curl up, wanting the whole world to just go away.
Catch your breath and find your inner strength.
It's been a long haul being the single parent at home and you've done wonders. You've been doing more than I would ever have been able to for all the years I've know you.
Sorry I'm so far away.
You will sort this out. You will come through it no matter how hard and painful it will seem at times.
There is more inside you than you appreciate but we know its there.
Scream to the skies when necessary. No good ever came of holding it in. Everyone is allowed to fall apart and just curl up, wanting the whole world to just go away.
Catch your breath and find your inner strength.
It's been a long haul being the single parent at home and you've done wonders. You've been doing more than I would ever have been able to for all the years I've know you.
Sorry I'm so far away.
Wow T. Wow.
I've known you for a lot of years now. This is far and away the biggest crux I've seen you come to (and there's been a few). I'm not sure what I can say that will help, just be sure that I'm here on the other end of a few IM's and such. You will work it all out.
Big Hugs
I've known you for a lot of years now. This is far and away the biggest crux I've seen you come to (and there's been a few). I'm not sure what I can say that will help, just be sure that I'm here on the other end of a few IM's and such. You will work it all out.
Big Hugs
Hey Tracey - big hugs for going near the precipice!!! I really hope you guys can work it out.
You know, marriage counselling need not be about being at the brink but also about tinkering for exactly the right mix when you are nearly all right - it should not be a big stick when you are hovering on the edge of a breakdown, and therefore he should not see it as an if/or thing either.
I watched Dr Phil the other day (hey, its at lunch time and I was folding, okay?) and he suggested to a couple that had been married for 9 years to go to pre-marital counselling.
"Isn't it a bit late" said one.
But apparently, no, it is never too late to find out how the other operates financially, emotionally, verbally and with impending children.
You know, marriage counselling need not be about being at the brink but also about tinkering for exactly the right mix when you are nearly all right - it should not be a big stick when you are hovering on the edge of a breakdown, and therefore he should not see it as an if/or thing either.
I watched Dr Phil the other day (hey, its at lunch time and I was folding, okay?) and he suggested to a couple that had been married for 9 years to go to pre-marital counselling.
"Isn't it a bit late" said one.
But apparently, no, it is never too late to find out how the other operates financially, emotionally, verbally and with impending children.
Make that another crazy Canadian chick keeping you in her prayers Tracey.
You're an awesome person. I can't say anything better than all the people who've already said the things posted, so just know that my "ditto" is quite sincere!
HUGS.
You're an awesome person. I can't say anything better than all the people who've already said the things posted, so just know that my "ditto" is quite sincere!
HUGS.
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