Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Much ado about nothing
Sometimes it's hard to follow your own advice... and I frequently have to counsel myself into fighting my way out of some stupid emotional state where I am wallowing over inexplicable, irrational "stuff" that really isn't worth the angst. Some of it, lately, I believe I can put down to hormonal crap. Some of it is, really, just a personality flaw, in which I need to give myself a swift kick up the backside, and get on with things.
Sometimes I use this blog to get stuff off my chest. As brissiemum suggested in the comments of the previous post, it's cheaper than therapy. Even if it's as boring as bat shit for anyone reading it. I apologise in advance of the following drivel.
Two days ago I got a letter in the mail from the Cancer Council, inviting me to participate in some pap smear register and ongoing study/survey thingy. My name had been selected from a list of recent pap smears.. ra, ra, ra.... Did I think logically about this? Nup. Instead I realised I that suddenly, after a month that had been miraculously free of any PMS type emotions, I had this sudden anxiety and urge to cry welling up inside me - and it was all since I'd opened the letter. I'm due to see my gyno on Thursday to go over the results from the pap smear and biopsy taken a month ago. Logic would tell me that if there had been anything untoward she would have rung me. Logic would tell me I should just wait and chat to her on Thursday. Logic would tell me that sampling for these sort of surveys need to take random samples. Logical husband would have told me all that if I'd talked to him first, but Tracey's irrational inner voice suggested that maybe she was selected because of some abnormal result that she hadn't heard about yet.. so after an hour of feeling this insane urge to cry, she rang the gyno's rooms. Wonderful gyno rang back to reassure me that all was fine (results have only indicated low estrogen levels, so we'll discuss that on Thursday). But! What a wally I am! Much ado about nothing... and whatever happened to logic? (Possibly some of the irrational anxiety is from knowing of others who have been diagnosed with cervical cancer, and so I do suspect that some of my emotion stems from feeling and caring for them, no matter that I don't know them in person...)
Yesterday's school newsletter featured an anonymous 'letter to all other parents':
"After doing readers on Monday, it came to my attention that there was only one volunteer doing the cooking for all the canteen specials (xxxx again). This problem is also occurring when it comes to all areas of parents volunteering at their children's school, so please, as one parent to another, even if you can only spare a short period of your time at any one of the many areas looking for assistance it would obviously be appreciated."
A concerned parent.
I have been in a knot over this since reading it, basically because at one time I put in quite a lot of work at the canteen, only to be verbally attacked over some issue by one of the supervisors, and then to have my contribution undermined. (If you'd 'designed' the past few menus with the previous supervisor, and then had the new supervisor do the new one (fair enough so far) but then put in the newsletter "I hope this one is easier to read"... would you be just a bit miffed? - I was.. in fact, it was the straw that broke the camel's back in terms of my involvement with the canteen. I resigned as secretary of the canteen committee (never got a thank you for the year I'd done). Some time later, the martyr (xxxx) mentioned above, along with others on the P&C compiled a fundraiser recipe book. I sent in contributions, but they were attributed to one of the other families (the P&C treasurer no less) not ours! Probably an honest mistake, but on top of the previous stuff, I was peeved.
I really feel like sending my own 'concerned parent' letter in to the principal.. but I know deep down that it really isn't worth it.. and it isn't worth the angst I am giving myself over it. There are other things being done at the school by those involved in the P&C that I don't happen to agree with, so I have basically just distanced myself from the whole place this year. And that should be ok. It doesn't stop me getting myself into a tizzy though.
So! Another case of Much Ado about Nothing. *Turns and presents backside for others to deliver swift kicks as required.*
I woke up today with a headache (of the nausea/migraine type, but thankfully not the full catastrophe migraine that many get.) I was wallowing in a puddle of self-pity there for a while.. till I read Rootietoot's post about her hip, so then I let the tears flow for her.. realising that a measly headache was stuff all compared to living day in day out with bone grinding on bone in your hip.
The headache is all but gone, finally... I was supposed to go bike riding/training with my new training mate, but it's raining, so we've called that off. I suppose I will be ok with the weights training session at 1.30... although in my post headache state, I can't see myself making the most out of it. I haven't done any exercise since Saturday, so I am wondering if the lack of those little things called endorphins are contributing to my emotional fragility today...
I am taking Caitlin in to the chiro this afternoon (for a 'realignment' after her fall on her hip the other week, and now with a sore knee). I am a bit peeved that I got this headache after my own maintenance visit to the chiro yesterday. It's not supposed to work this way! (Maybe he'll be able to check my neck out again...)
1.You put in a year at the canteen and did your bit. It's the other parents, who haven't done squat, who need to step up now.
2. Nauseous headaches do suck. That doesn't dis Rootie- there is no contest going on here, no competition for Iron Woman.
3. Hearing from your gyno (and remembering the folks with cancer) out of the blue is a tense thing. Somebody mentioned on Memorial Day that anyone who served and has since died is to be honored. I ended up crying for my dad in the middle of church for half an hour. (Bet the pastor wasn't expecting that reaction to his sermon!)
You are logical enough to run a household beautifully and sensitive enough to give the lives of the people around you color and grace. Keep it up!
I do believe that is the same way that 99% of parents participate in their kid's school activities. Give yourself a break from all your worries Trace; the bitchy wankers at the schools/sporting clubs/everything else can shove their martyred selflessness up their collective arses and spin on it.
These years are meant to be _enjoyed_ not guilted, bullied and cajoled into doing crap stuff you don't want to do or at the very least are unappreciated for.
Do your girls mind at all if you do or don't do certain things with their school or sporting clubs?
As for the gyne thing- we women have been taught to be so vigilant and worrisome. To have something out of the blue would make me crazy(er).
Nothing drastic happening gynaecologically.. and it wasn't the gyno, it was the poor old Cancer Council wanting to get women to participate in a survey. My reaction was irrational, but, yes, we women do get paranoid about all that sort of stuff I think.
Update on my visit in a later post.