The trainer I am going to must be a mind reader. Having spent a bit too much time in my Unhappy Place over the past few weeks , I really felt like taking it all out on something, and bugger me if she didn't produce the boxing gloves for the warm up today. *punch, punch, PUNCH* *punch, punch, PUNCH* I could feel myself getting into it.. although I did restrain myself a bit. A part of me could have unleashed a frenzy that might have culminated in me collapsing in a sobbing heap.

I also am so self conscious, I'm not sure it's really me to be doing all that jumping/skipping/darting around... but you never know. It's just that I have always looked and felt like I had lead in my shoes when it comes to propelling myself around. Not someone who you could say was light on their feet! But I wonder. Maybe I could become a convert. Maybe I need to buy a punching bag and gloves, hang them in the carport or somewhere, and go out and lay into it whenever I am feeling ... the way I sometimes do.

But what I did today felt good... I do feel like I've released a bit of tension. And she worked me hard with all the rest of the stuff, so that I am feeling sore all over. Masochistic as it sounds, that makes me feel good. Sore can be good, and so it is with exercise. It unleashes some manner of endorphins which help. For sure. When I am feeling crap, I know I can rein in the demons a bit by taking myself out and getting my legs moving and my heart pumping. Just not sure it is quite enough. I am just lucky that with the kids getting older, I can just do the escape thing - throw open the door and just walk out.

I took myself up the beach yesterday afternoon. Endorphin time, and thinking time. I sorted through a bit of crap in my head, and let the tears roll a couple of times. I think I can figure out everything that is wrong 'not right' - but I don't know if I have the tools to fix it all by myself. Making the decision to go to a counsellor is one thing. Actually following through and doing it is quite another.

Punching bag? Counsellor? Or both?

Labels: daily, endorphins, introspection