I'm not always brimming with self-confidence, even if most days I try to talk up the positives. I am all too quick to compare myself unfavourably to others, and I'm pretty good at letting other people get under my skin. Hyper-sensitive is my middle name.

I have put my name down to do a one-day (Cycling) Ride Leader training course in a few weeks time. So what, huh? Well, normally I'd have just stood back and let Marc do it on behalf of our family, because it is more his thing. (He's just a natural leader.) But he's got netball coaching commitments that day, and there's no way I'm standing in for them (again!). I do stand firm on some issues! And the BUG (Bicycle User Group) needs people to support this course, and so I feel like one of us should go.

But more importantly I think I need to do it for myself.

The problem? These days I'm much more comfortable cruising along in the supporter role. The 2IC. (All care and no responsibility perhaps..?)

I'm all for learning stuff .. but the thing that scares me most is the concept of being (offically) assessed and judged by someone else. A written exam? - pffft - that wouldn't worry me. But I'm imagining that, given the latest trend in courses (even in First Aid!) we will have to 'act out' some sort of scenario in the class and be judged upon it. Taking turns to be the leader or something, and that just freaks me right out. I have never harboured any desires or abilities as an actor, yet I feel that that is what I will be judged on.

(I've considered going back to uni and doing a Dip Ed, and becoming a teacher, but the thing that scares me most about teaching is being assessed by someone else on my ability to teach!)

It doesn't help that I know there will be someone involved in this bike course who is the type that has this amazing ability to make me feel insecure. (I won't link to it now, but I did do a post once about a person who did a big rant about employing bloody housewives who had the temerity to hope for flexible working hours... and so, yep... And who last time I spoke to them after a ride, they ignored me... Hmmmm. )

I have had a bit of a history in jobs with other women, in particular, who have taken it upon themselves to make me feel like I am useless, and inadequate - who in fact set out to bring me down - so perhaps I am carrying a bit of baggage around with me. (Pretty heavy baggage to be carrying around for 20 years, huh...)

So, anyway, having bitten the bullet and decided this week to get over myself and do this course (*big deep breath*), I've had to do a lot of self-talking. (I do a lot of self-talking in general about trying to pull myself together anyway - god it gets noisy up in my head sometimes - and this little example is but a small chunk out of the barrier I need to climb over so that I can figure out what to do with the rest of my life ...)

I also confessed my anxieties about the course to the BUG president and he very wisely told me that I'm not the only person who finds certain people difficult ("ask around!") and "Don't take anything personally is a rule for living happily. Another one is face your demons." (Worth putting in bold I thought. Very good advice.)

For some reason this song - below - jumped into my head the other night, even before that exchange above, and I found myself half singing it to myself under my breath. I have no idea where it came from. A mantra from above? Then, in the supermarket checkout yesterday, I heard it again - for real this time - being played on the PA.

It must be a sign.

So for me. And for Rootie this week, too. And Magic B, lately. (Both of whom are dealing with far worse than me.) But also probably every one of us at some point, to varying degrees.

This is for us.




[For those with technological hassles, the song is I Am Beautiful]

Labels: introspection