Saturday, April 07, 2007


Oh the mood!

The raging within.

The feeling like you've got a dam about to burst inside your rib cage, and you're not sure if it will come out as tears, or a raging outburst.

The decision not to get up and go bike riding at 5.30am like I'd been looking forward to because it was too bloody windy, ok, and that is just NOT "recreation". (Do 20 to 30 knot gusts count as too windy, or was I just being a wuss?)

The regretting it the rest of the day, because Oh My God did I need to do some serious exercise-endorphin-inducing SOMETHING today, and it probably wouldn't have been so bad, and why did he just go 'ok' and hop back into bed and not try to talk me into it? (He said he didn't want to have to put up with me complaining, and sadly that comment is justified because I probably would have grumbled and moaned, at least until the retrospect had set in afterwards.)

The frustration at the slothfulness of the children all day, and pondering my failure as a parent because my kids don't go out and JUST PLAY OUTSIDE. Sure they exercise a lot with organised stuff, but they don't just go out and ride, or wander, or play. Outside.

The slamming out the door when told that I wasn't communicating my 'instructions' properly. (What part of "Attention Family! With this new council garbage system, all food scraps go in a container that needs to be lined with paper, OK" don't you understand?!! Does it matter whether that might have meant 'don't use a plastic bag' or 'don't put it straight in a container' ?? Same outcome. Use bloody paper!!)

The disappointment when he didn't come looking for me, and has carried on like nothing has happened since I got back. For god's sake, what about a hug?

The crankiness over having STUPIDLY decided to make those bloody crumbed chicken drumsticks for dinner (so that he didn't have to do a BBQ in the wind) because they involve PREPARATION, plus THE CLEANING OF THE RACKS afterwards which quite frankly is a pain in the arse, and guess who the idiot is who does that all the time? What kind of mental dinner choice was that? And there's another parenting failure because your kids haven't been taught to get in there and help with the washing up. (That's what having a dishwasher does...)

The just about biting the eldest's head off when she THEN asked "What's for dinner?"
...."What you're bloody given" was the response.

The wondering if this is just frigging PMS, or is it exacerbated by the other STUFF that has happened, and is this going to keep welling up inside me no matter how much we talk and reconcile and actually experience closeness we hadn't had for way too long?

The 'I think I'll have another full strength beer, because maybe alcohol will dull the senses, seeing I didn't manage the emergency exercise escape clause that has worked on other occasions.

It's going to be a long few days.

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Everything probably feels 10 times worse because of the PMS. I don't know about you, but some months the PMS is way worse than others.

Reading your post and recalling how I've felt all day - my day doesn't feel so bad after all...(but I still reserve the right to grumble)
oh Tracey... feel better soon
((((hugs)))) Tracey. You are having a crappy time, hey. Hope these feelings calm.
You described some of my own fears regarding the parental failure....the failure to entice them outside to just play and hhelping with chores ARRRR, they are still small, but it feels like a loosing battle, just to get them to pick up after the bombsite thay hae just created.
Oh just go stick you head in the oven and turn on the gas.

Some days are just beyond managing so they should be swept out the door unless you seriously want to thing about the above.

In a perfect world our kids would always listen, our spouses would always be supportive and our houses always clean.

Never going to happen.

Just think.......IT CAN ONLY GET BETTER.

(this survivor knows...yes she does)
Hey Trace - lots of hugs and a little bit of Scream Therapy - it does good and heck, the kids can always save their pocket money for their own therapy when they are of age.

You have probably had a few half cries of late which just add to the overall aggrevation because a half cry only puts a wax seal on, rather than bursting it all out.

Is it at all possible for you to get away for a few days - even if it is just away from being mum and wife - and do a Tracey rediscovery?

I think you deserve to have at least a day of rest and just let them make the ship sail - while you reflect and work out where and who you really want to be.

Oh, and take some Evening Primrose or whatever is sworn by these days, cause hormones (or as my friend calls them, whoah moans) are buggers to clean up after!
There's nothing worse than being ignored when you've spat the dummy. Gotta hate that.

I'm trying to figure out if I'm in a good or bad position to give advice. I've been through the whole marriage thing (admittedly without kids to complicate things) and out the other side. I'm at the beginning stage where there's no arguments, no suspicions and no counselling.

I don't think you're divorce material but of course I don't know everything about your situation. I don't want back what I used to have. But I don't think you'd be happy giving up what you have. Having said that, it's obvious you're not happy.


Counselling can be good or it can make things worse. I believe it depends on the counsellor. But I think it's something you need to explore if you're not already. (sorry if I missed that bit if it's been mentioned)

I know you've heard this before but can you classify things as "will matter in the long run" and "won't matter in the long run"? If they won't matter, is there any way you can train yourself to shrug them off?

Try to concentrate on the good things you do have and not the things you'd like to change.

Heck I'm no expert and I hope I haven't said any wrong things. Maybe you just need to offload and don't want to hear any advice. But I'll tell you one thing for sure and that is I sooooo want you to be happy. *hugs* And hey I'm on msn, it's the holidays - happy Easter.
Lucky our oven is an electric one, eh. Funny how a day later you can look back and go 'sheesh, getting a bit carried away there weren't you?' Get it in perspective girl. (The scary part was that uncontrollable emotion inside though... I guess it's real...)

Can't see myself getting away anywhere solo, jeanie, and frankly don't know that I want to. It's still too close to so many weekends apart from all the away work, that I don't actually want to rack off by myself. (Without the kids maybe, but not by myself.) I am very spoilt, really, with having all the school days to myself, and I've been doing a fair bit for myself lately, what with massages, and the trainer, as well as my swimming.

The kids are now of an age where I can also rack off for an hour without them. Did that the other afternoon- hadn't got out walking, felt the welling up inside me, so at around 5.00 I just said 'I'm going for a walk, back before 6.00'. I truly do appreciate being able to do that now. That 'freedom' came to a halt 14 years ago with the arrival of #1, so I'm finally getting it back. We will have some time together in July when we are in Wollongong for the netball. Eldest two will be staying with their teams, and we're dumping the youngest at Grandma's, so a couple of nights just looking after ourselves will be novel.

On more positives, I can say that among the 'too much good to throw it away', we really don't fight. We agree about too much! Heh. Went through a stage where we got cross with each other a few years back, but we don't anymore. And if nothing else, even in the last few weeks, if I think something that's said is unjustified, I'll talk about it. Most important thing is the communication lines staying open.

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